I love you friend. Rest in peace.
Today I was bubbling with excitement about setting up house and went off to an antique store to search for one of a kind pieces. I had barely begun to browse the store when my friend called me. She asked if I was somewhere I could sit down, I momentarily considered sitting in 50 year old office chair but then decided I better not and told her I could handle what ever it was she had to say (I assumed it was boy drama). She said bluntly "Joe died last night."
Instantly I felt I was in a horrible dream, that I would wake up and stop feeling sick to my stomach. As Joe was walking to his car after a night of dancing his heart out, he was caught in the crossfire of two people in a gunfight. Police say that bullets were strewn everywhere. My friend was shot in the chest and died at the hospital. There is no one in custody for this senseless crime.
I had met Joe four years ago at a strange time in my life, I was timid, reserved, and full of self doubt. We became best friends almost instantly, there was nothing we didn't share. I credit him with teaching me how to salsa dance for the first time which led to my exploring of new dance styles of all kinds and reigniting a passion which had long been forgotten. It was he who helped me through times when my sense of self were at their lowest, quietly standing by until I would be happy again. I credit him with saving my life during this period, for letting me know that it was ok for my stubborn brain to ask for help. And when I was feeling braver, he didn't question me when a distance grew between us.
Whenever I feel nervous or insecure, I remember him saying "it takes some degree of confidence to fake it and you can only fake it until you make it." This is how I went into my interviews as I attempted to enter the porn industry. I remembered the ways girls would swoon at the way he strutted around the dance a hall and danced as if EVERYONE was watching (often in some degree of disrobement). This is the attitude I took on at my first cam show, I took a piece unbelievably sexy confidence and owned it.
He was egotistical, sexually explicit, smart as hell, and a wonderful friend. He had no desire to grow old and be forgotten and always said he would die young in some kind of freak accident. I just never thought the asshole would actually do it. I only wish there were more time for one last dance. His character was larger than life and I can't think of him going out with anything other than a "bang".
Tomorrow I will fulfil the promise I thought I would never have to keep and wipe his PC and phone so no one can have his secrets. Maybe then it will be real to me. I love you friend. Rest in peace.